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Letters to God (circa 2000)

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Another dump of old shit...


Dear God 

Please extinguish everyone on earth except me. I talk to you and you're too busy granting the wishes of some bastard in another country to listen to me. Where in the hell is MY miracle?! I figure that if everyone else was out of the picture, you'd be more likely to hear what I have to say and give me what I want from you. 

Humbly yours 
Agustus Smith 

Dear God, 

I know me and you have had our disagreements in the past but I wanted to give you a chance to make it up to me. As you well know I am always right. I know this and you know this but unfortunately the other bottom feeding flesh slugs on this planet have not accepted this yet. I feel that I cannot get my point across without the "fear of God" to back it up. 

Let's face it Slappy... you got all this power and you're not using it right. So I ask you this: let me have your powers! You can take the rest of eternity off and I will take over from here. You've done an ok job but I know I can do better so just give me this one request and I'll leave you alone. 

First thing I'm gonna do is smite the following people: Louis Farrakan, Rosie O'Donnell, Julia Roberts, repeat offending criminals in the prison system and the white trash on Jerry Springer for a start. I will proclaim myself Supreme Ruler of All and the mortals will bow down to me. All my friends with become billionaires and can pick any 10 women in the world they want for sex slaves. The rest of the women will belong to thier new God Chaos. All my enemies will have their genetalia removed and will live on a small island in the South Pacific filled with giant horny gorillas. Only the magazines, newspapers, and movies that I like are to be published and released. I don't like Hawaiians so they'll have to go. I don't give a shit about teen-agers and their problems so I will have their tongues removed until they are 21. Any piercings they have will be ripped out of their bodies and if anybody has a haircut I consider stupid they will become a Richard Simmmons boy toy. There will be no such thing as homosexuality unless a man desires to have some women become lesbians to amuse him. That bitch Darva Conger will be forced to have anal and oral sex (in that order) with every butt ugly obese man on the planet. 

This is just the start and I think you can see that my World will be much better so why don't you just hook me up so I can get on with it. 

Yours truly... 
Lord Chaos 

Dear God, 

I have a small request. I would like you to create a condition called "boom balls". The condition will simply be a case of spontaneous combustion of the balls. Friday would be a good day to have this happen to someone. 

By the way... I know how you like to play your fucking childish games so I'll clearly state that I do not want boom balls to ever happen to me. You got that? I do not want anything to happen to my balsac! Circle circle dot dot... now I've got my boom balls shot. I'm glad we cleared that up. 

Oh my fucking god....it's... 
The Prophet 

Date: July 25, 2000 
To: God 
From: Character Development 
Subject: New Angle 

Dear God; 

The Religious Wrestling Federation would like to congratulate you on a successful first thousand years with the organization. Since you were led into the federation by the monks around the turn of the century, you have been an incredible asset to the company with your ability to be perceived as a heel and baby-face at the same time. You have put on incredible shows and competed very well with the other talent, such as Buddha, Thor, Ganesha, Zeus, Re, and that awesome Inferno match with David Koresh. Once again, congratulations. 

But we here at character development feel that your character is starting to lose some of its edge. As the years have gone by, people seem to be less and less impressed with your performance and now many more people are finding your character less and believable. We think its time for a new angle for your character. 

We think you should drop the whole all-knowing and everywhere routine and just kind of be a "no-where" kind of guy, since most people say they can never find you when they need you. You can be some kind of dark character who just doesn't give a fuck, doesn't care, and wears black trench coats and dark sunglasses all the time. When people try to address you for something you just beat the holy hell out of them, instead of listening to the BS and trying to convince the person that they're wrong and you are always right like you have done until this point. And maybe you could get some kind of third-eye tattooed to your forehead too? Just a thought. 

And then there's your finishing move. Death was once a very feared move that no one would ever want done to them, nosiree. But it has lost its edge. In fact, it isn't even your finishing move anymore; more people die from other people killing each other than you kill by natural death nowadays. So we think something new should be implemented. Perhaps you can just point to your opponent and blow them up somehow? Like some sort of spontaneous combustion? That would be pretty cool and very hard to imitate indeed. 

Anyway God, we here at character development just thought you could use a few pointers. Thank you for your time and we look forward to your involvement in the Religious Wrestling Federation, where made-up divinities continue to battle it out for followers willing to kill themselves for made-up causes and, of course, the collection plate. Thanks again. 

Head of Character Development
Religious Wrestling Federation 

Dear God, 

I would like to request that your holiness turns the sun off. All these UV rays are killing people, its obviously the work of Satan. And we wouldn't need any new natural light. We could just light the piles of Methane that comes out of politicians mouths. Thanks. 





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