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This was found in the wayback machine from the previous domain http://www.useless-information.com This was before message boards were really that common and plain html ruled the land, so these were emailed to me. Submitted by McClain Shewman This morning when I woke up, my two cats (brother and sister mind you) were doing the nasty on my knee. A prohpecy of the following hours to come. On my way to the fridge to get my morning orange juice, I noticed that my incestual cats decided to leave a puddle of piss in the middle of the floor for me to slip on. Actually, I didn't notice the puddle until I was face-first in it. After I hopped in the shower, which has no curtain on the account that my cats use it as a claw cloth, I stepped in a pile of kitty shit. For the benefit of my roomates, who love these cats more than life itself, I decided not to throw them off the roof and to just suck it up and go on with my day. All this anger vented up inside me until I just couldn't take it anymore. On my way out of the driveway I made sure that I swerved into the path of the fleeing alley-cat, smooshing it to the graveled pavement. Justice was served, and all the cause of angry remiss was justified. You'd be amazed at how theraputic running over a feline can be. Submitted by Patrick Grisham I go to Home Depot today to get some bug and weed killer. I do a total stupid thing and leave my wallet in the shopping cart. I get home and sit down to watch a little TV and Home Depot calls. They found my wallet. I'm trying to remember leaving it there and I can't but I figure I probably left it in the cart, and I did. Stupid fucking thing, but hey, I'm getting back right? I go there to get it and I'm looking through it. It's missing everything but the one's. The fucker who found it takes it upon himself to give himself a reward. 4 twenty's and a ten. 90$. And I'm thinking to myself on the way to pick it up how greatful I am that someone turned it in and if there there or it's a clerk I'll give them 10$ as a reward. What was I thinking? Was a too cheep in my reward think and karma is getting me? Man... Then on my way home I'm fighting with myself over how greatful I should be that they turned it in at all. All my credit cards and other stuff were still in there. Gee.. they left me the one's too. I don't know weather to be thankful or give myself high blood pressure envision myself shooting this person repeatedly. Submitted by Patrick Grisham My employer is trying to get me to resign after a 2 month leave of absence (My mother died in December). I'm hoping they fire me instead so I can collect some unemployment while looking for a new job. I'm going to my mothers funeral this weekend. I know, it's kind of weird. She died three months ago and were just now having the funeral. She was cremated and wanted to have her ashes scattered, so everyone thought we should wait till the weather was a little better before we did it, thus we waited until spring. I had a say in when it was supposed to happen but all her close friends wanted to wait for better weather. The ceremony is in Seattle Washington. I can tell you first hand, it is usually always raining there. I guess maybe it'll just be warmer this time of year. My job is such a drag.... You know, my actual job is cool, I like it and do well at it, but somehow my employer is trying to get me to leave. I've been there four years and make a pretty dam good wage. Most people have only been there 6 months to a year. They have a high turn over. I guess they figure there done with me and I need a little prompting. Hey, add them to your hate list. AirTouch Cellular. Pricks beyond pricks... asking someone to resign a week before there Mothers funeral. What really pisses me off is they really don't have a reason to do this. None.. I'd feel bad/guilty/shitty if I had fucked up and done something but I didn't. What a bunch of fuckers. Submitted by Bob Elwell I have a bone to pick with T-shirts, those of girls namely. They put the messages right on their chest and when you try to read them they complain that you're looking at their breasts! The put the messages there, wear wonderbras, and fold their arms JUST SO so that they pop out at you and then they're angry when you look! If they dont want us to look then they should put the messages on their backs. If this continues, ugly girls will put messages on their asses for attention! Submitted by Paul Womack I'm a carpenter by trade. I went to work this morning and the first thing that happened was I got a piece of trash in my eye. Hurt like $%&#. Then at 1:15 I had an appointment with my friendly butt doctor. If you've never had your prostate massaged, then you don't know what you've missed. Hurt like $%&#. It wouldn't be so bad but this was my third visit in six weeks. And I have to go again in two weeks. It is a real pain in the butt. But it made me forget my eye. So I guess it wasn't a total loss. Submitted by Patrick Grisham Ok, a Rant about my job, seems to be the guest Rant theme the last month or so other then the "Hey you suck, you cheated on me" or the ever wonderful "I got too drunk and made a fool of myself, let me confess to you". Prophet, your web site is turning out to be a new age confessional. By the way, glad to hear your not a quitter. So on with the bitch session. This is really trivial and silly but happens often where I work with general public and I need to vent. First, a little explanation. I work for a cellular carrier in Phoenix. When we get a new customer the basic cost for the company is around 300 to 400$. Your probably wondering "Hey, that's a lot, are you drunk and is this some cheep confession?". Nope... It is however some what less if they call us up directly and we do it all over the phone but generally that's not how it works. Folks go into stores, now if it's one of our actually stores it could be a bit less for the acquisition cost, but usually it's some electronics store or an indirect agent. We pay the agent around 300$ if they get us a customer, maybe 400$. Usually about 250$ worth of that commission the agent uses to recoup on the cost of the cell phone that they've giving away. Now I know what your thinking.. "Aren't cell phones free? or really really cheep?" As a matter of fact yes, they grow on tree's. We pick them fresh off the cell phone tree out back and there free less the cost of water. Really... Ok, enough of mister smart ass. For all you fools out there that think cell phone's, even the most basic, cost little to nothing.. YOUR LIVING IN A FANTASY LAND!! These things cost money... So any way... 300 to 400$ we kick out to get a new customer. So, smart Mr/Miss thrifty customer gets the most basic cell phone, probably at no cost to them when they activated. They spend around 30 to 50$ a month if there thrifty but use the phone lightly. A year goes by, there contract is close to being up. 12 X 30$ is 360$ so we've made 60$ if our acquisition cost was 300$, if! So, Joe/Jane customer has had what they consider a cheep cell phone and want the really really cool cell phone with all the bells and whistles now, and they want it free, they think we owe them this. They also think by looking at all the sales that these dam phone are between 0 and 50$.. Wrong!!!! Bone heads.. bone heads bone heads bone heads. These people seriously can't believe that these things cost more then 50$. My rationale for them is to look at the Motorola walkie talkies out there. 100$ for a two mile range walkie talkie. And they think a phone that works anywhere in the US, has memory locations and a battery that last's 24 hours is going to be half that price. Let me just go out back to that cell phone tree. Will you people (and you know who you are) just KISS MY ASS and get the fuck off my phone with your whining about how the Jones' have a better cell phone then you and your just crushed and hurt that we can't GIVE you a new phone. After all, we just made MAYBE 60$ off you, however after the hour long phone call trying to finagle a free cell phone, that just cut our profits in half that we've made off you. Folks.... Take my advice. Get the most expensive, far out, feature loaded phone you can when you activate a new line. Also, get insurance!!! it's cheep and anytime your phone looks a little worse for ware, throw it in a lake, flush it, run over it, then pay the 35$ deductible to get a brand spanking new one. Scratch that... GET A DAM PAGER!!!! hehehe. I'm done, I feel better, but first thing tomorrow I'll hear it all over again. What a job. Maybe The Prophet will hire me to look through his hate mail so I can abuse myself in another aspect of communication. Submitted by Daniel Chaplin I was fired today by a company that shall remain nameless(Sight & Sound A/V) I was fired under fucked up pretenses. I go in to work early Tues. afternoon and get dragged into this room. Instantly I knew something was wrong when its me and two supervisors. They tell me there down sizing and they were letting me go. At first I was fine with the whole thing then it got to me. There are two many on the pay roll huh, Why was it just Rod and I fired. We wouldn't have to many on the payroll if we didn't have three fucking supervisors, or what if Walt went to jax, dosent that make sense because he lives there anyway. You people are lying to me I just know it. Be straight, the order came from higher up didn't it? I know as well as everyone else does, Was it because I took two weeks off, or was It done because I actually did my job! Rick, I have no hard feeling towards you or Tom. I know who sent you to do the dirty work! Its just to bad he is not fucking man enough to do the shit he claims he does, No review,no raise, and fired for what, doing what I do,what I spent 20,000 on school for, what I have been doing for five years! Rot in hell you gutless bastard and have a fucked up day!!! Submitted by Jason Rudge OK..The way I see it is if a possible employer gives you a couple of interviews and keeps you on your toes for 3 weeks straight the least they can do is give you a chance at the position, right? This jerk-off that runs Folio Weekly (Sam Taylor) basically drug me through the mud and back for almost a month letting me believe that I would start working for him in his Classified ads department. In the beginning I had originally applied for a position with Prax (which is still part of Folio) but they ended up hiring someone else before I had my first interview. Now I didn't have a problem with this at first because Sam had offered me this better position in the Classifieds department. So there the story begins, including multiple interviews and phone calls which lasted over 3 weeks. In the meantime, while all of these interviews are going on I come to find out that I was beat out of the Prax position by a girl who was not even out of high school yet. Being that I am almost 22 I was a little peturbed by this enlightening revelation. Conclusion of the story is this: I was not hired, (obviously) but I was told by Sam that I did not get the job because I have not yet gotten my Bachelors degree. This sort of makes me wonder if Folio is more interested in hiring individuals with a college degrees or in hiring 17 year old girls. Well gee wizz I suppose if some big breasted bimbo was sticking her tits in my face I would be more apt to put more money into advertisements too. Go Figure!! Submitted by Coyote NightStalker I have a story you may find interesting. So sit back, grab a beer, and enjoy. Last night I went with a small group to my friend Ben's house. With us we had a fifth of Jim Beam and some amount of Maker's Mark bourbon in a two liter cokebottle. We arrived at the house, parked the truck in a small, dark corner of the yard, spread blankets on the ground, and proceeded to get wasted. Of our group of six, only myself, the host, and our friends "Peach" and "Burch" were drinking. We passed around the fifth long enough to kill it, and since I have a low-to-non-exsistant alcohol tolerance anyway (thank you God for letting be Native American), I was plenty drunk. So after the empty fifth had been carelessly tossed into the yard, everyone else was of the opinion that we were done drinking. I scoffed at this as I took two huge gulps of the Maker's Mark. At this time I decided that I had to piss or puke, or both, so I announced to everyone that such was the case as I stood up and walked to the clump of pine trees in the corner of the yard that served as our bathroom. I started to piss and quickly realized I had to puke worse. So I somehow managed to stop pissing (don't ask me how I pulled that one off) long enough to puke. Then i finished. As I turned around to walk back I realized that my pants were still unzipped and my purple headed warrior was checking out the scenery. I don't think anyone noticed until I zipped them up. Then they fucking busted up laughing! I myself couldn't figure out why it was so funny, but they laughed at me anyway. This would not be the only time that would happen. When I got back to "base camp," I picked up the Maker's Mark announcing that I had just puked to make room for more. Peach made the witty retort, "When in Rome..." as I chugged down more alcohol. It was about this time that things started getting fuzzy. I know I drank most of the Maker's Mark, because it seems like I had the bottle in my hand every three seconds after that. When the sober people decided that it was time to drive home, I lay down in the bed of the truck and decided to sleep. That is, until they stopped at my work. I work a shitty job. Third shift at this convenience store/gas station. I was off last night, thankfully. But when we stopped, I decided that it would be real fun if I went in. So I hop out of the truck and stagger around the store while my co-worker laughs uproarously at me. I couldn't see what was so funny. We were there for some amount of time, I'm not sure exactly, but it must have been awhile becasue I had enough time to decide that I wanted a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper (don't ask me why, I never even drank it), to find it in the store, to make it to the counter with the 2 liter still in my hand, and get out my wallet, take my money from it, hand it to the clerk, remember that I got change from that (or be reminded), and somehow snap my wallet back and put it in my pocket. And I didn't loose anything. But everyone was laughing. I'm not sure why. So we get back in the truck to finish the trip home. On the way there I decide to open the 2 liter in the truck. In the moving truck which has been bouncing all over the place. And I wasn't exactly being careful to hold it steady. So I opened it and it fizzed everywhere! Mostly all over me. I have the stain on my once-white shirt to prove it. After all of those in the back of the truck were finished being pissed they laughed. Don't ask me why, I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't believe that we came directly home. If so, the ride took a really long time, cause it seems like I was in the back of that goddamn truck for an hour. But this point things were no longer fuzzy. Well, they may have been, could I remember most of them. Here I must add a disclaimer: most of the following is information has bestowed on me by those who were sober, or at least more sober than me, so I'm not sure how accurate it is. When the ride finally ended, I got out of the bed of the truck and headed straight upstais to my bed. Only when I got there it was like something out of a fairy tale or some shit. I noticed that my friend Stan was in my bed so as I lay down on top of him I asked him if it was him. He realized that I was fucking gone, so he picked me up and threw me onto the couch and told me to "fucking go to sleep." Burch had followed me into the room and was laughing histarically. Don't aske me if that is spelled right, I don't know. So I lay on the couch and decide that everyone hates me and I'm going to die. That and I get up to go puke a few times. The second time I fell in the bath tub (don't ask me how). After I had been gone a few minutes Stan came to check on me and found me there. He decided that it would no longer be a good idea for me to be up moving around, and it probably wasn't considering I fell in the fucking bathtub while puking, so when he threw me back onto the couch he slid the garbage can back over to me, which I was more than happy to use. However, something in me told me that I still needed to walk around. So I tried to. But Stan had made a decision and he's not one to back down easily. One thing I do remember was being thrown onto the couch several times. As in more than just a few. And every time I got up Burch, who was laying on the other couch, would laugh his ass off. I couldn't see what was so funny. Other than doing dumb shit I don't remember, I said dumb shit I don't remember. At one point I got so sick of not being able to walk around that I told Stan, "Nothing against you or anything man, but I hate you. I mean, I care about your feelings and all, but I can't stand you." That almost got me clobbered and it gave Burch a good laugh. Also, one of the sober people that we took with us in order to have a sober driver is a girl that I really have a thing for. So I proceeded to confess my "undying love" for her, as Stan called it. According to his account, every time she walked by I'd blurt out how much I was in love with her. I do remember laying on the couch crying because I knew everyone hated me and I had ruined everyone's night. That's not entirely false, but I'll not get started on that one. I used to laugh when people would tell me that they got so drunk they didn't remember anything at all. Nothing. Now I sypathize. So as I sit here STILL trying to sober up (at least I'm not hung over), a lot of questions are running through my mind. Why did I leave my hat and sunglasses in the truck where they could get soaked by the pouring rain? What happened to that pack of cigarettes that was in my pocket? Wait, there were two! Damnit! How much does the girl that I have a thing for hate me now? (I'm about to call her and find out.) Why can't I find that rubber band I was using to put my hair up with? Will I ever get the puke stains put of this shirt? And how in the hell did I live through that?! Oh, fuck me. I've gotta work tonight. Submitted by Norman Bunn AN evil person is the bitch I have been dating for the last 5 years. She doesn't work(won't work), lives on welfare, adc SSI and all of that government shit that needs to be stopped. She trashes everything she touches because, she didn't pay for it. And anything she does buy gets trashed because, it is bought by some gov. program or check she has recieved for sitting on her ass and refuseing to make anything out of her useless life. She infested my house with cockroaches. My advise to you is to just burn the fuckin' thing down if you get them cause they are impossible to stop no matter what you try. She spends ever moment of the day (when I am at work) sitting in a chair whatching T.V. and drinking Coke and eating. Believe it or not but, she got really fat. She also likes to hang around losers. It must make her fell better about her worthless life. She also belives that going to the movies, or out to dinner with another guy is not cheating cause he is her friend. She also likes to dump off our daughter and say she has to do something and then I find her with him AGAIN but, it still not cheating. If you know any one like this they won't can't and refuse to change cut your losses and get the fuck out of there fast. Submitted by JM in Texas Do you know what really really irritates me ("Tell you what I hate, what I really really hate" by the missing Spice Girl -- Bitchy Spice). I really hate moaners and groaners who, when they go to certain people's web sites that might not be as pure and wholesome as that surfer would want, immediately get their dander up and start calling for a ban of the site, threatening to turn the guy in to his ISP, etc. I ran across just such a site the other day, where they guy offered anyone to put a link on his site. Anyone except neo-Nazis and anti-Semites and other racists. In the same sentence, he claimed, "I don't care about the politician philosophies of anyone, just as long as they aren't neo-Nazis, etc., etc., etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like them any more than this guy does. But I don't have a website out there in front of God and the world telling everyone how open minded I am either. But the thing that really gets to me are the goody two shoes that are the first ones to invoke our hard won right to free speech to censor another!!! That just has to be one of the slimiest things you can do. I would love to see a bumpersticker that says: "BAN CENSORSHIP" And its the lack of censorship and preservation of free speech on this last frontier, the Internet, that allows idiots like you and me to post our rantings without fear of recrimination from our neighbors, or worse, our government. Its something to think about the next time you call for someone's site to be taken down. No matter what it is doing or not doing, the person hopefully is not out there doing the deed, instead he is venting through his website. Which is why I think this Rantings page is such a great idea. Everyone should come here for a mental health oil change once in awhile. Submitted by Hawke Ok, I just stumbled onto your sites looking for useless facts (don't ask me why.) nonetheless, I think you're the perfect place to vent this shit to. Let me start off by saying I'm a catholic, and a fairly strong catholic. Let me also say that I believe majority of catholics are fools, as are majority of people. After reading about "God Boy" and some of these other people who are appalled by your site, I think that all Christian bibles but a few must have omitted the line "Do not judge and thou shall not be judged." It's amazing how many of these fucking Christians overlook that. Second, have you heard about the New York museum incident? The Mayor is threatening to remove the 7 million funding from the city unless the museum does not show the exhibit which features the vigin mary done in elephant dung. I don't care what people say, Christians do not hold the trademark to saints, jesus, mary or any other biblical idea. People only make art to make money, if you don't go see it they wont make it. Son of a bitch leave the fucking thing alone and go do something fucking constructive. Better yet, read a book. Figure out why carbon dating isn't fraud, and why Darwin is a fucking genius. Or do you believe that the sun rotates around the earth still? Next week... women... From: DancerSKC@aol.com To: Webmaster@useless-information.com Sent: Monday, September 06, 1999 8:10 AM Subject: No Subject Dir sir or whoever you are. I am very appaled at your site! I mean- Missionaries being evil people? And All of your language? Who are you trying to kid? Useless info could be funny and clean. I personally think you are an evil person- Try Prayer! Submitted by Bianca Combs Good morning America! It is 5:30 a.m. and approximately fifty billion working class Americans, like yourself, are climbing out of bed and pouring that first cup of coffee. Keeping true to your daily ritual, you zap on the good old boob tube with a quick flip of your trigger finger. On this morning's local news, a Barbie cloned woman dressed in a Calvin Klein silk pant-suit is wearing enough make up to supply a family of malnourished supermodels. She brings you the latest coverage on various murders and attempted kidnappings. Meanwhile, you sip your steaming java and nibble on your wheat toast (smothered with margarine of course because someone whose name you cannot recall said it was good for your cholesterol). Following the tales of murder and mayhem in the streets of Mayberry, a woman in a white lab coat armed with various degrees from the most prestigious schools, appears in your living room. She informs you that her official title is "chief nutritionist" at a well-known hospital. Then she breaks the news to you that the coffee you have been drinking for the past thirty years causes cancer in certain species of large lab rats. You start go into hysteria because you swear that if you sit still long enough you can feel the cells in your body mutating this very moment. Pouring your last sip of coffee down the drain, you make a mental note to pick up orange juice at the corner store because the lady with all those fancy degrees says orange juice is full of antioxidants. Everyone knows that antioxidants do wonders for your cardiovascular system. Then again, maybe that was your skin, hair, teeth, and nails. No it had to be the circulatory system or, maybe something along the lines of the nervous system. Actually, you really don't know what the hell the woman in the white lab coat was talking about because you're much too occupied with what your cells were doing. Nonetheless, antioxidants are definitely good for something; the lady with the degrees who was on the news said so. As you head for the door you also remind yourself to look up antioxidant in the dictionary because, in all honesty, you don't know what the hell it means much less what it does. Anyhow, out the front door you go, venturing into the same mad world that's selling you costly products that causes cancer. Oh what a beautiful day in America may God shed his grace on thee.and do it quickly. Upon entering the front door of your down town office building, there's a radiant smile beaming from your face. Not only did you get the prime parking spot at Big Bob's lot, but you also tossed a shiny new nickel into a poor, sweet, homeless man's styrofoam Starbuck's cup. Feeling secure now that you've done your deed for the day, you drop your keys into your jacket pocket and hear a little jingling sound. Upon further inspection, you realize you actually have quite a few shiny nickels you could have given the deserving old man. Your spirits are still up though because you just realized the importance of a fifty-cent newspaper on your lunch break. You quickly toss the thought of the decrepit transient aside. Heading to your desk, you make your routine stop at the coffeepot. Suddenly visions of the nutritionist in her white lab coat flash in front of your face while echoes of her haunting words send chills screaming down your spine. "Don't drink the coffee Jack. You'll get cancer Jack", she whispers eerily. Her words are frightful and you make a mad dash for the soothing comfort of your corporate desk and chair. After a few deep breathes you are able to get yourself together only to stare deep into a never ending, mile high stack of paper work on your desk. Nonetheless, you can still relax. You have made a health conscious decision to pledge to never drink those evil brewed beans again. You feel like a new man as you delve into your mountain of papers with pride in your heart and a gleam in your eye. The hours fly by and now it is almost quitting time. You unfold your newspaper and begin to scan through the pages. Skipping all the "real news", you get right to the good stuff. In more words or less, it is the Surgeon General telling you that chocolate can benefit your sex life. How does it benefit you sex life? Who gives a shit! You're already out the door you to buy a 50 count box of Hershey bars. A few months down the road and 50 pounds later you finish up dinner and plop down in front of the "idiot box" with a Hershey bar and glass of orange juice. Painfully deciding to surf past the infomercials, you wipe out on the local news station. Falling asleep during the report of the drowning death of a senior citizen and her dog Fi-fi, you suddenly awaken to the terrifying voice of that nutritionist. This time she informs you that her precious lab rats tell her that coffee prevents Alzheimer's disease, orange juice causes patterned baldness, and chocolate has been proven to be the culprit of all forms of sexual dysfunction. Now you're really screwed! Not only are you gonna be old, bald, and crazy but impudent too. However, doesn't all that happen with old age anyway? The upside to all this is that there are wonderful little people called physicians who can overcharge us for a visit and prescribe these little pills to cure whatever ailments may overwhelm us. Ten years later that same 25 year old, fresh out of medical school doctor who is married to the Surgeon General, and is having an affair with that nutritionist will appear on a local news station. In our very own living rooms, he will declare to the world that those same pills cause basketball-size brain tumors in circus elephants. Is nothing safe anymore? The real thing to fear is not what we consume but who tells us what to consume and why in the hell we listen to them anyway. Good morning America, this is your wake up call. Submitted by Matt Hawke Why is it I'm always a stepping stone? I'm the nice guy, I suppose. Well, I am compared to lots of these other guys women I see date. So what happens to me? I'm always the inbetween. Oh, until he likes me, there's Matt. Or, I'm the after. He dumped me, but Matt's great. I end up getting dumped for some guy that treats her like shit, when I'm out there treating her like a human. Anyone understand this insteresting idea? I sure don't. So now, I'm totally I'm falling for a girl and there's a chance her ex will show up and 'win her back.' so what do I do? Do I love like it's never going to hurt? Do I forsee myself getting hurt and get the fuck out? Do I ask her straight out what I am to her? I sure appear like I'm something...but there's that chance? Why does this have to be so difficult? Submitted by Silent Bob I would like to sit down and have a nice long talk with the asshole that came up with the concept of "money." Thank you, whoever the fuck you may be. You are the person who now makes it impossible for me to get anything when I need it because I never have a goddamned cent! Cigarettes are $3 a pack? I didn't make $6 all of last year, Jesus! Why can't we just barter for things like we used to? "I'll give you a sheep for that pot plant." "How about two sheep?" "Okay, that's fair, give me the weed." Why do I have to pay $5 for a J? Why go I have to go out and get a job doing things I'd rather not do, and personally, that I'm not very good at, in order to keep myself in food, much less anything else? Why can't I raise my own vegetables, kill my own meat, and if someone has something that I want, trade my extras for it? Who was the neurotic little Greek fuck that decided about 5,000 years ago that, "Hey, you know what we need? We need a system of little peices of metal and colored paper that that will keep people from ever having everything they want or need. I need my face on a drachma that says 'Sorry, but this just isn't enough, and it never will be.'" Where is this guy? If there is ever a time machine invented I swear to god that I will go back in time and kick his scrawny little Olympian ass! Submitted by by becky I've been working at the same job for 2 years. I've been taking all the money that my company makes and depositing it in this bank for 2 years. I deposit 10 times my salary on any given month!!! The women at the bank KNOW ME. They see me EVERY DAY. Yet, when I go to cash my OWN (vast, well established solid corporation) paycheck, which unfortunately happens to be drawn at the same bank....I SUDDENLY HAVE TO PROVIDE 2 PIECES OF I.D. I had insurance cards but no credit cards. No, I don't have my ss card, my mom lost it. I have passport, but it was at home. I don't have a work i.d. I just simply don't care to be carrying around a bunch of very important stuff that I don't need to lose, just to be forced to give MY PERSONAL and not necessary information to a bank that I don't trust to "process" my finances. And just before the Y2K opening night (with no dress rehersal), I don't care to have any sort of bank account at all. Let me just re-iterate, these people KNOW me personally. We chat about each other's lives, jobs.....etc. But they wouldn't cash my paycheck. I showed them my driver's license, I gave them my home phone number and work number AND put that humiliating THUMB PRINT on the front of the check. But they wouldn't cash it without another piece of identification even though we've seen each other every week day for the past 2 years. And the bank manager told me that the thumbprint was "NOT SUFFICIENT I.D."!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't your thumbprint the ULTIMATE form of I.D.? If you bank at NationsBankOfAmerica, I urge you to withdraw your money and find a credit union. Better yet, CASH ONLY until well into the year 2000. And FUCK LARGE BANKS!!!!!! Submitted by Angelus you know what really sucks about not being able to sleep at all? is the fact that your up at 1 in the morning, on a monday, so frickin' bored that you type in ""useless information"" and actually find a site called just that.. not saying that its a bad thing.. but thats weird.. now im going to spend another good hour looking through this site.. cos i have no life.. and because its the thing to do.. ye know.. go to a site.. and look around.. then get to sleep about 3.. get up at 7.. and go to school and act like everything is ok.. and the lil black marks around your eyes add character.. and why you have your pants on inside out for is to ventalate any fumes that have accumelated there over night. thats my rant.. hope your happy.. and sleeping.. and breathing, and producing.. so on and so forth. Angelus Submitted by Kieli have you ever walked around an amusement park and wondered " what the hell are these people thinking?" Every foreigner with fatty hips and a jiggly waist decide to wear the least amount of clothes possible and the clothes they do decide to wear are spandex and show their cellulite ridden thighs, then, to top the entire outfit off, they wear heels. not flats or 1" pumps, oh no, 6 inch spiked heels that would make a prostitute cringe. i just feel like taking a full length mirror around with me and putting it in front of these fashion victims and saying. " my God you idiot, what the hell were you thinking this morning? Did you think you were going to a club?" Another thing that bothers me are these women that get really dressed up to go to a football game or the gym. i fully believe that the only time a female should get dressed up at a sporting event is if it's homecoming, or they are performing. and these women that put on makeup to go to the gym. i'm not even going to start that one. one more thing. these men that have really skinny legs and not only wear shorts, but decide to wear loafers without socks. has anyone told these men that miami vice is not on the air, nor are they looking for new cast members? let me be the first to tell you men, STOP IT! DON'T DO THAT. WEAR SOCKS WITH ALL OF YOUR SHOES. (except sandals, and wear socks with your birks) WEAR TENNIS SOCKS (AKA ankle socks)WITH YOUR LOAFERS and if you have really skinny legs, WEAR CREW SOCKS WITH YOUR RUNNING SHOES. do NOT iron a crease into anything denim and GOD don't wear a hawaiian shirt unless it's summer and you have a great tan. ok, i think that's all, thankyou Granola
Another dump of old shit... Dear God Please extinguish everyone on earth except me. I talk to you and you're too busy granting the wishes of some bastard in another country to listen to me. Where in the hell is MY miracle?! I figure that if everyone else was out of the picture, you'd be more likely to hear what I have to say and give me what I want from you. Humbly yours Agustus Smith Dear God, I know me and you have had our disagreements in the past but I wanted to give you a chance to make it up to me. As you well know I am always right. I know this and you know this but unfortunately the other bottom feeding flesh slugs on this planet have not accepted this yet. I feel that I cannot get my point across without the "fear of God" to back it up. Let's face it Slappy... you got all this power and you're not using it right. So I ask you this: let me have your powers! You can take the rest of eternity off and I will take over from here. You've done an ok job but I know I can do better so just give me this one request and I'll leave you alone. First thing I'm gonna do is smite the following people: Louis Farrakan, Rosie O'Donnell, Julia Roberts, repeat offending criminals in the prison system and the white trash on Jerry Springer for a start. I will proclaim myself Supreme Ruler of All and the mortals will bow down to me. All my friends with become billionaires and can pick any 10 women in the world they want for sex slaves. The rest of the women will belong to thier new God Chaos. All my enemies will have their genetalia removed and will live on a small island in the South Pacific filled with giant horny gorillas. Only the magazines, newspapers, and movies that I like are to be published and released. I don't like Hawaiians so they'll have to go. I don't give a shit about teen-agers and their problems so I will have their tongues removed until they are 21. Any piercings they have will be ripped out of their bodies and if anybody has a haircut I consider stupid they will become a Richard Simmmons boy toy. There will be no such thing as homosexuality unless a man desires to have some women become lesbians to amuse him. That bitch Darva Conger will be forced to have anal and oral sex (in that order) with every butt ugly obese man on the planet. This is just the start and I think you can see that my World will be much better so why don't you just hook me up so I can get on with it. Yours truly... Lord Chaos Dear God, I have a small request. I would like you to create a condition called "boom balls". The condition will simply be a case of spontaneous combustion of the balls. Friday would be a good day to have this happen to someone. By the way... I know how you like to play your fucking childish games so I'll clearly state that I do not want boom balls to ever happen to me. You got that? I do not want anything to happen to my balsac! Circle circle dot dot... now I've got my boom balls shot. I'm glad we cleared that up. Oh my fucking god....it's... The Prophet Date: July 25, 2000 To: God From: Character Development Subject: New Angle Dear God; The Religious Wrestling Federation would like to congratulate you on a successful first thousand years with the organization. Since you were led into the federation by the monks around the turn of the century, you have been an incredible asset to the company with your ability to be perceived as a heel and baby-face at the same time. You have put on incredible shows and competed very well with the other talent, such as Buddha, Thor, Ganesha, Zeus, Re, and that awesome Inferno match with David Koresh. Once again, congratulations. But we here at character development feel that your character is starting to lose some of its edge. As the years have gone by, people seem to be less and less impressed with your performance and now many more people are finding your character less and believable. We think its time for a new angle for your character. We think you should drop the whole all-knowing and everywhere routine and just kind of be a "no-where" kind of guy, since most people say they can never find you when they need you. You can be some kind of dark character who just doesn't give a fuck, doesn't care, and wears black trench coats and dark sunglasses all the time. When people try to address you for something you just beat the holy hell out of them, instead of listening to the BS and trying to convince the person that they're wrong and you are always right like you have done until this point. And maybe you could get some kind of third-eye tattooed to your forehead too? Just a thought. And then there's your finishing move. Death was once a very feared move that no one would ever want done to them, nosiree. But it has lost its edge. In fact, it isn't even your finishing move anymore; more people die from other people killing each other than you kill by natural death nowadays. So we think something new should be implemented. Perhaps you can just point to your opponent and blow them up somehow? Like some sort of spontaneous combustion? That would be pretty cool and very hard to imitate indeed. Anyway God, we here at character development just thought you could use a few pointers. Thank you for your time and we look forward to your involvement in the Religious Wrestling Federation, where made-up divinities continue to battle it out for followers willing to kill themselves for made-up causes and, of course, the collection plate. Thanks again. KefkaHead of Character DevelopmentReligious Wrestling Federation Dear God, I would like to request that your holiness turns the sun off. All these UV rays are killing people, its obviously the work of Satan. And we wouldn't need any new natural light. We could just light the piles of Methane that comes out of politicians mouths. Thanks. Azmodeus